Monday, 24 July 2017

I Want To Write But I Can't


You may or may not have noticed that for the last few months my blogging schedule has become pretty nonexistent. I'm very much a routine person, I always have been, I like to do things a certain way and on a particular day, I just find it works better for me but lately I've been letting things slide and it's making me feel kind of shitty.


I've posted religiously on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday since I've had my little space on the internet and I've kept up with it quite well. I've sometimes posted extra and rarely missed a scheduled day...That is until a few months ago.

My health is making it really difficult to type. My left arm just doesn't want to work. It's numb, it's painful, it's hypersensitive and it makes everything really challenging. I can't even have clothes touching it, I can't grip, I can't move my fingers, and I certainly can't sit and write for as long as I want to. Obviously today isn't one of my bad days and I haven't written this in one go but stopping and starting, or writing things over a few days isn't what I'm used to. If I'm inspired - I write. And I want to write as much as I can or I lose my mojo. I lose my train of thought. I lose my flow.

You're probably reading this and thinking, 'Sarah, there's more important things in the world.' And I wholeheartedly agree with you but when writing is your life, your escape, your passion, and you can't do it, it's soul destroying.

Let me tell you a story. I've written poetry and fiction my whole life. We found a poem I wrote back when I was about six titled 'the ghost that loves toast' (clearly a rhyming genius at an early age) in my Nan's belongings. No idea why she kept it but I'm glad she did as it gave my family a laugh. Since I could hold a pen it was my dream to be a writer. And I hand-wrote everything.

During my early teens I had an eighty page A4 story I had been writing. There was red pen markings all over it and I hid it in my wardrobe so nobody could read it. I'd write poems in journals and filled countless notebooks. I had an ideas book; a pad of inspirational sentences, character names and descriptions. I lived (and still do) for it.

I'd stay up late to finish a poem I'd been working on the week before. I'd just write. Always.

And then one night when I was eighteen I picked up a pen, wrote a few words and my hand stopped working. It was agony. I couldn't do it. And I cried.

Since then I can sign my name and that's about it. Some days, I can't even do that.

'But typing is easy', I hear you say, and for a while it was but as the nerve damage in my arm has got worse, I can barely do that. And it's getting to me. It's making me feel like a failure. It's making me think I'm letting followers of my blog down. It's making me lose a part of myself.

After all, what's a writer that can't write?

I've tried various speech to text software and dictation but it doesn't work for me. My brain doesn't find words easily, I lose my drift and I just don't speak the way I write. Pacing my writing is the only thing that is kind of working but it's frustrating. Writing for a few minutes and then stopping for a day to come back again for a few minutes the day after is not what someone as impatient as me wants. It's annoying, it's tough and I am not a fan.

It's also affecting my mental health because I'm slacking with the routine and I'm not able to do something I love. Then I'm overthinking and feeling guilty for not being able to write, despite being physically unable. I know I need to give myself a break but I'm my own worst enemy.

So this is why there's not been three posts a week, regular content or content on the days I usually post. And I honestly feel crap about it. I'm trying my best to get back into a routine but when the pain is unpredictable, all-consuming and is interfering with your ability to think coherently, never mind type - it's absolutely impossible.

I hope I can get back on it soon. Wish me luck.

12 comments:

  1. I hope this gets better for you hun, good luck x

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  2. I hope writing this post helps you but please do be kinder to yourself x

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  3. Oh bless you - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to do the thing you're so passionate about! I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. But all I can say is, don't beat yourself up! It's easier said than done, I know. But if you can't post for a few days, a few weeks, no one is going to judge you for it! Wishing you lots of luck! x www.aimeeraindropwrites.co.uk x

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  4. Oh sarah, I'm so sorry to hear this, I hope that you're alright I know how heart breaking it can be when you can't do the thing that you love. Hopefully the pain subsides and you're able to write more x

    Kayleigh Zara 🌿www.kayleighzaraa.com

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  5. Hey my love, thank you for sharing such an honest post. I know it's easier said than done but I think you need to give yourself a break. Posting three times a week is a bloody active blog schedule and there's absolutely no shame or negativity in finding a balance when you need to switch it up. Your posts are fabulous and it's about quality not always quantity. You've got this :) xx

    Sincerely Sarah xx
    www.sincerelysarah.net

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  6. You're doing great & you should be sooo proud of yourself! :)

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