Mental Health Update: Paranoia, Rejection and Humilitation
I first discussed my mental health back in May; I touched on how confrontation terrifies me and that I'm consumed by paranoia. This hasn't changed. Although I'm really, really working on it. I've figured a few things out about myself whilst going to CBT that have made me realise why I am the way I am, and I'm actively trying to change my thinking process.
Unfortunately there's no overnight fix - which I'd prefer as I have no patience but like every other part of my health, I'm in this for the long haul. I feel like I'm making progress with certain aspects of my mental illness but I'm also in a position at the moment that is pretty much destroying my head. So, I'm just going to be really honest and put this out there because it's chipping away at me every single day.
As most of you know, I'm raising money for an electric wheelchair (you can read all about it here) and have been for just over two weeks. The support has been absolutely incredible; as I write this I've had over £2250 worth of donations and I simply can't explain how grateful I am. Every time I get an email that someone has donated I shed a happy-tear, I do a dance, I'm over the moon. Last week I received some pretty huge donations and ended up shaking and sobbing because the generosity was too much for me to comprehend. I'm just so touched that people that don't even know me would spend their money on helping me snatch back my freedom.
I've been sharing my campaign on Twitter; I've sent out tweets every two hours so everyone will see them and hopefully retweet. There's a core lot of people that consistently retweet, quote tweet, get my message out to their followers and try to convince more people to share, and to these people I wish I could cuddle. Seriously, to you guys that have shared multiple times, I love you and you haven't gone unnoticed.
This is where the problem lies, and I fully admit it's my own issues. It took a lot for me to start a fundraising page; it hurts my pride quite a lot, and for all the fab people that share, I notice those that don't, and it really affects me. Much more than it should. I feel like those that say they're my friends, even those I've met in real life, can't take a second out of their day to help me with a RT. Those friends with huge followings or really influential can't get my message out. I'm not asking for a donation (although if you have a spare £5, go for it), all I want is a share. It's really demoralising and has had me in tears quite a few days the last few weeks. I feel a hollowness in my chest and it's ridiculous because I've raised so much money and I'm doing so well but there's always a demon at the back of my head telling me that people don't like me, that they don't want to help me, that I'm undeserving. I take it personally when I shouldn't even think about it. When you suffer with paranoia like I do, even when the good vastly outweighs the bad, it's difficult to see the light. I've been rejected so often that I feel like it's happening all over again. And it's over fucking sharing. Like, how ridiculous am I? The logical part of me can quite clearly compute that my campaign is skyrocketing and I'm raising the money ridiculously quickly, but the shitty paranoid-wreck part keeps giving attention to those that can't take a second out of their day to click RT. I guess it just gets to me that people can share memes and random stuff but not something that is going to change my life. I know it has no bearing on anyone but me and I'm probably being really selfish but it's one of my main ways of publicising my campaign and I need all the help I can get.
You might think a RT means nothing or it won't help but every time I've had a few people sharing I get closer to my target. If the majority of my followers shared once every few days it'd reach so many more people! I think because £5000 is such a massive amount of money and I'm not even halfway there, it's stressing me out. But - I'm really close to halfway! Positive hat on please, Sarah.
I also feel like me constantly talking about my wheelchair campaign is pissing my followers off. Like they've heard it already and want me to stop going on about it. I don't want to irritate anyone but I do need this wheelchair and I can't stop tweeting/messaging/sharing it until I've raised all the money. This is another part of my paranoia - I just really hope I'm not aggravating anyone. I suppose if I am, they can quite easily unfollow me...
I hate that I'm not able to afford this electric wheelchair myself. Hate it. And trust me, if there was another way of raising the money, I'd be doing it but I literally have no choice. So it's really humiliating begging for a retweet. I feel pathetic.
I realise this post is woeful but I wanted to explain how I'm feeling. I'm trying to focus on the positives, I honestly am but I'm frequently pulled back to, 'omg everyone hates me.' And it sucks.