As I lie here with my left knee heavily braced, the pain surging through my whole leg, pulsating, agonising, my mind begins to wander. I only ever voiced this a few months ago and as soon as I said it out loud, I realised how ridiculous it might sound to someone who doesn't know me. I was amidst a bad flare and phrased a statement-like-question to my boyfriend with genuine curiosity, 'there's really people that wake up and aren't in pain everyday?'
Pain is my life. It makes my decisions. It stops me from doing things. It controls me.
I know what you're thinking, why do I let it rule my existence? Well, I don't, I don't want it to. I try my best to keep it at bay. But sometimes no matter how much I pace, how little I do, I could still end up in a flare, have a dislocation, a fall. Living with chronic pain for me means that I wake up each morning in pain, I take medication to take the edge off and I do what I can to get through the day. The only guarantee I have is that I'll be in pain, what level of intensity that pain will be, I don't know.
Since it's the only constant, it actually baffles me that there's people out there that wake up each day and feel good. They're not stiff. They're not aching. They're not wishing the day was over before it's even begun. They can tackle the day. They're excited for the day.
For some reason this is really difficult for me to compute. Living with chronic pain for over 16 years has made me forget what it's like to not be in pain. Even writing about it, feeling the horrible throbbing in my leg, I don't get it. How is there people in the world without pain? What's that like? Why am I jealous?
The only way I can describe what it's like from my agony-filled life, is shit. It's really, really shit. People don't get it, they think you're exaggerating or they 'know' exactly how you feel because they sprained their ankle that one time. But until you've lived in chronic pain, which means all the time, you can't really compare. 365 days, for seventeen years, this has been my life so it's only natural I'd not remember what a pain-free day feels like. I guess it also proves that I'm a little naive to be perplexed that not everyone lives in constant pain...
Excuse this brain-dump post, I just really wanted to share.