I'm starting a new series over here on my little corner of the internet, called Firsts. I'm always very open and will gladly share all most things, so I thought it'd be good to write about my first experiences of certain events/milestones etc. And what better way to kick this off with an embarrassing tale of my first kiss...
So, let's set the scene; it was the summer holidays in 1997, I was a cute, blonde haired, ten year old who spent most days hanging around the park with friends. The park just so happened to be near to my aunt's house, so my younger brother and cousins were usually close-by, much to my annoyance. My then-best friend and I were pretty much inseparable, and somehow we ended up making friends with a group of boys the same age but from a different school.
At the age of ten, I was very much aware that I liked boys, I got shy around them, I fancied them, and I was desperate to grow up. Looking back, ten is so young; I was a child, a baby even, but I still wanted to be older, and I acted older.
That summer, when we hung out with these new boys, these boys that didn't go to our school, I had heart-eyes for D. We'd lie on the grass holding hands and making shapes out of the clouds; I saw him almost every day, I watched him play football, I used to think I'd marry him. Ten year old bunny boiler or what? I still remember what he looked like, with his 90's style blonde curtained-hair - a mini Nick Carter.
Back then all my friends talked about was snogging. Such and such snogged him. He snogged thingy's sister, blah blah, snog, snog, snog. I'd never snogged a boy. I didn't know how to snog. But I'd be a fridge if I didn't snog someone soon, and what was worse than that? I didn't know what a fridge was either, but I knew I didn't want to be one.
Snogging was something that was organised, nobody just started snogging someone unless they were extremely brave. It had to be scheduled, it had to include his friend asking my friend, who in-turn asked me. It was an operation. So, when my friend told me D wanted a kissing sesh with me, I was equally terrified and excited. It took some coercion on my friends part; she'd kissed a few boys and told me I'd be fine, but I wasn't sure.
Eventually, I agreed. Why not, he was a nice boy, and very cute.
One afternoon, D and I left the park and went to hide behind a wall for our snogging time. We obviously had to do it in private, because that was the way it went. I remember shaking, I was so incredibly nervous. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to put my hands. I didn't want him to laugh at me. Within a second he'd moved his little blonde head closer to mine and our lips were locked. I think I was doing it right. We did the open-mouthed smooching, and I probably looked like I was trying to chew his head off, but it was nice....
Until my little shit of a brother shouted my name and said the dreaded words, 'I'M TELLING MUM.' Oh fuck! He was legging it back to my aunt's house, where both her and my Mum were. I ran as fast as I could but he'd had a head-start and there was absolutely no catching him. I panicked so hard, I thought my Mum was going to ground me for the rest of my life or potentially kill me; so I did the only thing I could, and when my brother told her, I lied. Her reaction wasn't what I anticipated, she wasn't bothered but I still lied.
I avoided D for the rest of the summer, and for years after if we ever saw him out, my brother would remind me of when I snogged him. I finally admitted to my snog when I was around fifteen years old, and my Mum had no idea what I was on about. I genuinely thought she was going to murder me, it was such a huge deal to me, but so insignificant to everyone else.
It's funny looking back because I was terrified of the actual snog, but even more terrified of my Mum putting me up for adoption. Something so massive to kid is so small now. I wish I could tell my ten year old self to have just told Mum, then for the next five years I wouldn't have freaked out whenever I saw D *eye roll emoji*
So, my first kiss was pretty much a disaster but at least there's a story in it.